well, its been a bit since i've been here. i feel bad about that, but sometimes when the right words aren't there...it's just not the right time.
i've been embarking on a journey or two the last months and i guess i didn't feel like i could share my experiences because they were so new to me, so unfamilar to me. so unforgiving. scary and strange and now new and wonderful. also, i start to doubt myself and wonder if anyone is really even listening anyway. it seems like a waste when that could be the case, but i decided long ago that i wanted this blog for me and so why should the above matter? i forget that sometimes.
oh, so where do i begin? when i was pregnant the second time around the morning sickness was so bad and exhausting that i was pretty sure i didn't ever want to put myself through that again. well, that lasted all of about 39 weeks and 4 days, until my little doodle was born and i held him and looked into his eyes and fell in love. bringing home baby #2 was a sinch compared to baby #1 and within weeks i was pretty sure i could do this again. suddenly, i had amnesia about the hell my life had been the last 39 week and 4 days. don't get me wrong, ok, get me wrong, me and pregnant just aren't great. i'll do labor and delivery every day of the week, but the morning sickness, the constipation, the uncomfortableness, the swollen feet, the swollen belly, the insomnia, etc...etc... you name it, i had it. i suddenly forgot all about it. what pregnancy? oh, you mean i had to go through all of that to get this sweet little adorable boy? oh ok, no big deal!
the talks began about a possible number 3. lots of discussion. i think from the time doodle was 1, we talked about it. by xmas before his 2nd birthday i think we decided it was a go, but i definately didn't want to start trying until he turned 2, so that was 5 more months away; at that point we just went about our business and lived life.
doodle's 2nd birthday came and the next cycle we started "trying". now i was under no assumption that just because it happened on the first try with the other two that we'd get that lucky again. i think i had mentally prepared myself that it probably wouldn't be the case, but by the end of cycle 3 i was starting to get a little discouraged. i realize it takes months and years for some people, but getting that next period is so heartbreaking. at the end of cycle 4 i had my yearly ob/gyn appt and she was a little surprised nothing had happened either; but ok, try two more cycles making sure to use an ovulation predictor kit (which i had been, if you haven't been trying to get pregnant, you have no idea what's on the market for those who are: ovulation predictor kits, thermometers, gels, cremes, vitamins, etc...etc.. not to mention the variety of pregnancy tests, because you need those and nothing is cheap). ok, those two cycles came and went and still nothing. the heartbreak is getting harder. back to ob/gyn. this time we do some bloodwork. one of the tests comes back with a not so great result. it was a hormone level that gives you an idea of what kind of egg reserve i had. believe me, after i talked to the nurse i cried for days because my egg reserve number was low. although i really had no idea what that really meant. the ob/gyn then referred me to a fertility specialist.
i continued to cry because of my egg reserve number and i was for sure this meant my child rearing days were over. until i met the fertility specialist. he wasn't in the least bit worried about that number...it wasn't great; but it was workable. i embarked on ultrasounds, xrays and more blood work. i had an invasive xray that showed both of my fallopian tubes were blocked. AHA, this was the reason nothing was happening. my eggs were getting shut down before they even got a chance to do anything. the only way to correct this was to have a surgery to "try" to open up the tubes. his odds were 50/50 it would work. if it didn't work, my only option after that was IVF. we weren't opposed to IVF; but the expense is big and it wasn't ever a choice we thought we were going to have to make.
so we started this journey in may 2012 and by october i got the blocked tube diagnosis. i have very short cycles so i had more cycles in the shorter span than most and thankfully my ob/gyn didn't dilly dally around in getting me to the fertility specialist. i turned 36 in october and my egg reserve wasn't getting any bigger. the week before thanksgiving i had my surgery. it was tough. it was a lot more painful than i expected. the first few days were rough, thank goodness for pain killers. me loved the percoset. i returned to work on monday the next week, but i was moving slow. it took me until my two week follow-up to really feel normal again. at the two week follow-up he gave me the go ahead to try two more cycles. at the end of those cycles if nothing had happened we'd do another xray and see what we were dealing with.
we didn't waste any time.
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